How I Learned about Self- Love

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Most years have a theme and 2018 is the year of women. Women all across the globe have been able to confidently tear down brick walls and accomplish many goals while also facing many challenges with little to no care of other people’s opinions. From a personal level one lesson I can say for sure has been so rewarding to me is learning about self love . The state and condition I was in before was a hard pill to swallow. I was insecure, sensitive, and had low confidence when it came to hearing the opinions my family and friends had thought of me. The ugliest part was that I would believe them because they were my closest family and friends. I thought they knew me better then I knew myself , but the truth is NO ONE knows you better than you know yourself.

As we all know every woman has a Breaking Point and eventually push became into a shove and I decided right then that I was tired of people trying to define and perceive who I was. I came to realize that I needed to learn to accept myself and that also included the things I was ashamed or embarrass about. Life is so funny sometimes because shortly after having this epiphany I was browsing through Oprah’s YouTube Channel. Oprah was always a person I gravitated to when I was seeking advice part of the reason being that she always felt like that close relative to me cause my aunts and mom loved her show when I was growing up and when I say she was EVERYWHERE she was EVERYWHERE on the television in my living room, at my aunt’s house and even at the hair salon and during that era I only had my Nintendo game or the television show.

Anyways that is a whole other story within itself so eventually on her channel I came across the two most iconic people in a Soul Sunday interview on YouTube and it was Oprah Winfrey herself and well Maya Angelou. It was no if, and, or but about it I just had to watch it so during the interview, Oprah asked Maya Angelou what was the best advice she had ever given. She gave two but the advice that really hit home was when she said, ‘There’s a place in you that you must keep inviolate. You must keep it pristine, clean so that nobody has the right to curse you or treat you badly. Nobody. No mother, father, no wife, no husband, nobody. That may be the place where you go to when you meet God You have to have a place where you say, ‘Stop it. Back up…’ Because that place has to remain clean and clear.” After I heard that it became clear as day and everything begin to make sense and had to decide to act now!. In order to learn to love and improve myself as I was I had to make peace with my past and accept where I was and who I truly perceived myself to be, I took time aside out of each day to meditate so that I could find my center, I began by spending time in the mirror making affirmations by speaking positive words in life and into existence, and finally I began declaring positive thoughts when negative thoughts occured.

1. Self- Analysis Finding Peace in my Past and Finding Gratitude and Acceptance in Where I am Now 

Making peace with my past was by far the most challenging step in this process for me, but once I made it past this point it literally felt like I came from crawling to walking. I took what many would call the road less traveled. See I am learning to understand that it is one thing when you regret all the bad decisions you’ve ever made and its whole another thing when you can find the good and purpose throughout your whole life despite the decisions you’ve made. So the question is how did I develop this perception

1. It was actually simple I learned to enjoy to live in the moment. I didn’t focus on the past or tomorrow I ENJOYED and payed attention to the little moment called NOW! I realized that now is so short-lived because it could be here today and gone tomorrow. This part of the lesson was so funny to me because sometimes everything could feel so complicated when it was actually very simple, but sometimes during those little moments hurtful memories would resonate and I realized I hadn’t fully faced my fears and understand two things there’s always a positive side in every situation and what doesn’t kill you can only makes you stronger. I sat down and began asking myself question such as:
   • As a child, did I feel listened to or was I harshly criticized?
   • Was I spoken to respectfully or was I ignored, criticized, or teased?
   • Did I get appropriate attention and affection or was I neglected?
   • Was I physically, verbally, or sexually abused?
   • Were my accomplishments recognized?
   • Were my shortcomings and failures accepted or was I berated?
   • Was I always expected to be perfect?
   I reflected on my thoughts and begin to find answers to questions that seemed so hard to reflect upon and finally I ended up finding peace in my heart not only to forgive myself but those who treated me wrong because they too somehow hadn’t faced their fears. Im not gonna lie though cause at that point I honestly felt like I was one of the women off of Iyanla: Fix My Life show cause during that moment there were so many tears running down my face cause I had been holding back so many emotions for a long time. Negative incidents and thoughts began to turn into a positive thought about how it has lead me to where I am now. You can also follow these same steps but if they still didn’t help you may need to seek help from a therapist or psychiatrist. Self- Love has been a lot easier once I found peace in my past, and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

2. Learn to Meditate 

Meditation is the next vital part of self love because it gives me that calming boost and helps prevents stress and negative emotions. There are so many way to meditate. You can recite and reflect on affirmations or scriptures, listen to music, practice breathing exercises, and so much more. (Hint: Most women are attracted through their ears so music or written quotes works best, but most men are attracted through sight so videos, visionary board and etc. are more effective). Before picking my phone up or doing anything else I started my days off by:

1. Reciting and remembering scriptures and affirmation.
2. Meditating for 20 minutes. The reason I would recite my favorite scriptures and daily prayer was to set my mind in a state of calmness and following that would be my meditation. When I first heard of meditation I always thought of the monks sitting still with their legs crossed, and let me tell you it is exactly how it appears to be

Honestly, It was a whole another ball game when I started practicing meditation because it was simple when all I had to do was sit still with my eyes closed and focus on my breath but at the same time it was very challenging once I realized that I had to sit in that same state for 20 minutes… In the long run practice became perfect I eventually stop focusing on the time and began reflecting on my thoughts. Quickly those 20 minutes paid off because when I open my eyes I felt rejuvenated and my mind was calm. Meditation helps you find that calm place within you, but Im sure most of you have heard of meditation and its many benefits. So you may already know its definitely something to consider.

3. Start Your Day by Making Affirmation in the Mirror

I found this part to be very exciting because it was like the pep talk before tackling the day

First, I started by grooming myself so I could be presentable because most knows that if you look good most of the time you may feel good.  Click here to check out my DIY Spa Treatments page. Next I look in the mirror straight into the pupil of my eye and say “ Good Morning beautiful. I want you to know your heart and light is radiating peace, love, and blessings because you woke up this morning with a bright smile of joy and you are ready to conquer the day. You can be or do anything your heart desire no matter what anyone says because your a leader and was put on this Earth to share your gift with the world. Now Go be Great!”
Before when I first started making affirmation I started by simply saying “I love you Kelviana” and sometimes I didn’t really believe in it but after I started saying it consistently I began to believe in myself. I eventually found some confidence within myself to make my own affirmation work for me. Today its to the point that I don’t have to say it to myself everyday cause I know who I am and don’t really have to depend on anyone else telling me or beefing me up. Affirmation can help you establish that foundation of who you truly believe in yourself to be.

4. Declare Positive Thoughts when Negative Thoughts come to Mind.

Now although I was learning how to love myself that didn’t stop doubt or negative people from coming around me. In fact they would test me even more but I stayed persistent and contradicted their negativity with my positivite thoughts and words

Here’s a common example sometimes I would tell a close friend about a dream or something I wish to pursue. Then the judgmental stare would come and they”ll probably say “ Friend I don’t believe you got the potential to do that yet cause of this or that”… Then I would reply without anger by saying, “It doesn’t matter what you believe I can do because I believe I can do whatever I put my mind to.” Commenting with positive thoughts and words not only allows you to defend yourself but it also allows you to protect yourself from negativity. Personally I don’t really care what my friends or family say about me now but if you want to know who is for you and who is not.Tell them about what you wish to pursue or better yet tell them one of your biggest dreams in life and if they look at you crazy but still say, “I believe you can do anything you put your mind to friend”, or anything close to that. Realize that’s a friend for life

All in all no matter how many times you try to avoid it people always have their opinions and doubts about who and what you are doing in life. But never forget we always have the right to defend and remind people who we say we are.

Self-Love is not only pampering ourselves occasionally but it is mental health . Yall Maya Angelou couldn’t have said it better. “There’s a place in you that you must keep inviolate. You must keep it pristine, clean so that nobody has the right to curse you or treat you badly. Nobody. No mother, father, no wife, no husband, nobody. That may be the place where you go to when you meet God You have to have a place where you say, ‘Stop it. Back up…’ Because that place has to remain clean and clear.” I cleaned a space in my mind by self analyzing myself and finding peace with my past and accepting where I am now. I meditated everyday and eventually found state a calmness or love. God is Love right? I look myself in the mirror and created a foundation on who I believed myself to be so I wouldn’t give anyone else the right to tell me who I was in their eyes.

Think again! If you thought self-love was the end. Its just a smaller puzzle to a bigger picture. So ask yourself what always follows Love? Is it new creation, new life, and/or new dreams. I don’t give two diddly squats if your skin is purple, if you got 15 toes, and if you just got of jail. Just know that the world is changing and if you don’t love yourself and your not living your lifes purpose or at least trying. Then that question of “What would life be like if I became…” will always come back to your mind until you learn how to act.

Peace and Love Queens,
Mami Kelviana

There is no GREATER AGONY than bearing an UNTOLD STORY inside you
-Maya Angelou

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